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Dog writers beware! Normally as my pen meanders towards the end stages of another book, I simply relax and inflict my numerous grammatical offences on my editors, Jeanne and Valerie. However as I finished writing Dogs: Funny Side Up! a certain irony was forming outside the dog-hair-enveloped bubble that is my life. Alas, I foresee the end of dog books being popular. In fact, I sensed that the end of dogs and cats being kept as pets at all was looming near. A new player entered the field.

A curious new pet trend is emerging and there is something fishy about the entire scenario. As I randomly scramble commas (or comas) with hyphens, big news is breaking. Comet the Wonder Fish is taking the world by storm! And, what a world it is.

As of last summer, Comet was poised to seize the record of most goldfish tricks learned by outperforming Albert Einstein, a calico fantail. Millions are glued to their televisions. Some are even paying attention to what’s on them.

Meanwhile, Comet shocked the sports world by shooting hoops like Mike Jordan (thanks to extreme float time), bending it like Beckham (someday someone can tell me what the hell that means), and navigating the agility slalom better than Bandito the Border collie.

How could a fish conquer the sports world you ask? The planet’s new-found fish trainer extraordinaire, Dr. Dean Pomerleau, used positive reinforcement training techniques, teaching Comet to perform his vast repertoire of the fish tricks (not to be mistaken for fish sticks).

Thanks to his handy R2 Fish School Training Kit, not only is Dr. Pomerleau’s wonder fish drifting towards the pinnacle of athleticism, but Comet rounded out his international YouTube debut by out-limboing every other fish in his tank. Only moments after the cameras shut off, Comet signed a contract to appear on next season’s Dancing with the Stars. Dr. Phil producers are also fishing around.

As goldfish mania bubbles over, National Geographic Channel is seizing the opportunity. A three season deal has just been struck with that charismatic Metrosexual and famed assistant fish groomer, Cedar Mellon. He will be teaching all Earth a “better” way to handle their scaly, but loveable pets.

Mellon stepped forward promptly and informed the world that there are better ways than positive reinforcement training (and, don’t we all hate that ‘positive’ shit?). Based on his vast experience of eating fish many times when he was a child in Peru, Mellon has devised the following guidelines for his new approach to pet fish handling.

1) Never let your fish leave the tank ahead of you or he will become a dominating and unruly bastard.

2) If your fish gets wound up and becomes aggressive, push him down and hold him on the sidewalk until he enters a calm submissive state of mind.

3) When your fish fails to obey smack it on the side of the neck with a suction cup. This imitates the way mother dog fish discipline unruly pup fish.

4) Your fish should always walk beside or behind you. Never let him lead you, your pack, school or pod. If you do, he’ll take over your life and any small businesses you own. (Note: We just don’t ask why this unholy domination does not occur when your pet pulls you, thus leading you, on roller blades through Central Park’s paddle boating pond.)

5) And finally, remember to always project a calm and confident assertiveness. Aquarium fish, especially sea horses, can smell fear.

Cedar is adamant that he has never encountered a fish he could not help. In fact, if during the show he encounters an owner who can’t be trained to handle his fish properly, Cedar will bring the animal in for extra help at his New York City based Fish Psychology Center (FPC), located in a large drainage ditch behind Sacs Fifth Avenue.

The Center is filled with once cantankerous koi, perch, guppies and hag fish all living symbiotically under a rainbow together. Kumbaya!

Better still the FPC is using Nat Geo’s popularity to launch a new merchandise line. Their first product is, The Delusion Collar. “This will be a great training aid for aquarium owners who need extra assistance handling their problematic fish,” says FPC sales representative, Shirley Ugest.

The Delusion Collar itself bares a striking resemblance to the fish jar necklace worn by Bill Murray in ‘What About Bob.’ However, according to Ms. Ugest, the ‘collar’ is worn backwards so the fish does not establish himself as pack leader. She adds, when used properly (which only Cedar can), Mr. Mellon feels any jackass off the street can rehabilitate even the most aggressive Beta (fighting fish), allowing them to school in harmony with other fish.

Meanwhile zealot fans of the soon to be un-trendy Dog Whisperer Show are dumping mere mammalian pets at animal shelters in alarming numbers. Then they are flooding electronic stores buying up extra batteries for their remote controls.

Former Millan groupie (not to be confused for a grouper), Ima Wannabe says, “I’ve always wanted a pet guppy named Alfonso, but thought it might be too much for me to handle. Now that I have watched one pilot episode of The Fish Whisperer, I think I am the hottest fucking animal trainer since Siegfried and Roy went on hiatus.”

As you can imagine, the world’s top fish trainers are concerned. “It saddens me to see Cedar Mellon’s Fish Whisperer fans trying these methods at home in their own tanks,” say handler Inoha Whatimdoin. “He’s set animal training back thirty years.” Later that same day, the author of the renowned fish training manual, The Other End of the Air Hose, added, “Mellon is a fruit. His techniques may play well when edited for TV, but a few weeks later many of these fish are winding up in shelters or being euthanized, and stir fried, outright. Several have even attacked small children.” But, Fish Whisperer fans do not heed the warnings. Surprise!

The delusion is getting worse. Thousands of armchair Fish Whispering zealots are now under the belief that they are marine biologists. They’ve been spotted swarming to the world’s coral reefs and behaving condescendingly to professional Marine Science Researchers. Mellon fans insist they must establish themselves as Alphas over swarms of belligerent nudibranchs and nervous sea cucumbers.

Comet the Wonder Fish, who is two (that is 150 in dog years), issued his own press release about the controversy.

“Just how stupid are people?”

Well said, Comet. As a writer I have met my equal in this fabulously finned friend to all. I hold no grudges that a goldfish is undermining my business of dog writing. In fact, as a former marine park keeper, I have plenty of tales to tell. I may just flop onto this bandwagon myself.

While my Editors tend to doubt that Fish: Funny Side Up! would work well for a book title, I see potential. Of course, I’m currently wearing a Delusion Collar.

Admittedly, the image of fish surrounded by barbeque equipment on my cover might not offer quite the humorous effect I was shooting for. Still, if Comet can be trained to BBQ up a dogfighter like the Springer Spaniel on my current book cover, I’m willing to give it a shot. “Paging Dr. Pomerleau.”

Author's Resource:

This article is an excerpt from Nola Lee Kelsey’s new book ‘Dogs: Funny Side Up!’ Available everywhere fun books are sold. For a limited time only readers can receive a free Adobe ebook versions of ‘Dogs: Funny Side Up!’ by emailing FreeBooks@DogsEyeViewMedia.com. Learn more about the Kelsey at www.NolaKelsey.com.

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